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The Book of
LOT
ONE
1) Abraham was great in years and hard of hearing when his
cousin Lot tried to tell him he was leaving the family business. 2) They were a country people and Lot’s wife was young and
wanted something much more adventurous. 3) In
addition she wanted to give her daughters better choices in men-folk. 4) As shepherds go Abraham was a proper foreman and he provided
well for those who worked under him, 5) but
the man had no sons and even if he did they too would be shepherds. 6) This and it was probably about time their people stopped
marrying their own cousins. 7) Country life
was very limiting.
8) Lot’s wife nagged every day until the man had no choice but
to relent. 9) He said goodbye to the elder cousin,
who thought he said, “I’m seeking the tether” instead of “I’m leaving forever”
and handed Lot a goat-leash. 10) Then he packed
up his family and moved to Sodom, the largest city in the province of Gomorra.
11) Big city life was much more exciting. Sodom’s primary
export was salt, which was collected by large pillars down by the seashore. 12) Lot found work as a salt collector and within a few
years the family began to prosper. 13)
Everyone was happy, until trouble started to brew.
TWO
1) Luci and his band were always where it was at. 2) The night life in Sodom was electrifying and the ladies were
willing. Luci’s band was wearisome in several neighborhoods, but they had the
habit of sleeping all day and so one could manage to get some work done before
nightfall. 3) It was only when a second band of
angels appeared in Sodom that Lot thought there might be a need for concern.
4) I Mythos, the one true author of this extensive account and
writer of these very words, now document within this text that men have always
been insecure. 5) Let no man dispute these words, nor
their validity*. *This verse seems
suspect.
6)
With so many angels
occupying the city there were no women left to tend the needs of men. Women
should not be faulted for this. 7)
Angels are the bad boys of celestial beings and women just can’t help themselves.
8) And, as I Mythos have noted before*, men are dull and quite unattractive. *This too is suspect.
9)
No wonder the men of
Sodom were jealous and just a bit more than curious. 10) After much debating, and a little rock throwing, the
men happened upon a neat idea they were very keen on. 11) What if they gave the angels a chance for a romantic
romp and see what all the fuss was about?
THREE
1) Lot and his family were to be safe and secure in their home
on the night of the overzealous orgy. 2) Traditionally
his three daughters would be home having dinner about this time, but only the
youngest was present. 3) Lot’s wife was about to scuffle out
and plea to the magister to help search for her daughters when there was a
rumbling at the front door.
4) The two older daughters ran in to be greeted by their
worried mother. 5) Lot was about to secure the door
when the two angels his daughters had been out with burst in behind them.
6) The night grew long inside Lot’s home as the unwanted
festivities grew loud outside. 7) Lot was not
about to have his daughters defiled by these ruffians but their mother couldn’t
allow the angels to be thrown outside and devoured. 8) There was much debating but the argument was settled when
the front door rumbled yet again.
9) Having seen the two angels with Lot’s daughters run into the
house a young man gathered a committee of neighbors. 10) They demanded the angels be given up or Lot’s house
would be given to fire and everyone within its walls smoked out or worse.
11) Lot missed his simple country life and regretted
leaving behind Abraham, who warned him about the big city. While Lot bemused a
better life the men outside started a bonfire and sang show tunes.
12) Lot tried talking with his neighbors through the door.
13) He feared what they would do but he
was more afraid of what the angels would do if he gave them up to be raped.
14) Instead of taking the angels for a single night’s
pleasure the men could haggle amongst themselves who were the two best of the group
that may make suitable husbands to his daughters. 15) His daughters didn’t like that idea and the men
outside weren’t interested, claiming they already had his daughters. Yes, even
the youngest.
FOUR
1) The two angels under Lot’s protection spent a good portion
of the night three sheets into the wind, 2) but
they sobered up long enough to realize what was happening. 3) They assured Lot no harm would come to his family, and they
assured Lot’s wife she was still young and attractive.
4) During the War of Disagreement these two were quite the
achievers, having been proficient in munitions. 5) All that was needed in their current situation was a working knowledge
of combustible ingredients. 6) A really big
bomb might do the trick. They looked around and figured that with little effort
a really big bomb could be assembled – 7) if
they only had access to large quantities of salt.
FIVE
1) Lot and his family packed their belongings and vacated the
house in favor of returning to country living. 2) When they departed the angels advised they get as far away as possible
and forget all about the city.
3) “Just turn around and no matter what you do, do not look back.”
4) It wasn’t easy sneaking away. Large bands of amorous men
attacked Lot, thinking he was an angel. 5) But
when they saw he was a man, and was therefore unattractive, they let him go. 6) Some took to assaulting Lot’s daughters but thought better
of it, as they had already shared a night or two with the three girls. 7) Lot’s wife was ignored.
8) Just
before the angel bomb exploded Lot and his family were passing through the salt
district. Mrs. Lot found that she was out of her supply 9) and
turned to a pillar of salt. 